How Do You Do It All?
Why I keep a "to don't" list.
Ask any busy woman “how do you do it all?” and I bet the honest answer is…I don’t.
As a working mom with many roles and jobs, I do a lot. But I don’t do it all.
My husband does more than half of the housework and cooking. He does a lot of childcare tasks too. We have paid childcare during the week. And we have the financial privilege of some short-cuts like meal kits and eating out. I have a virtual assistant who does some online tasks for me.
AND there are a lot of things I put on my “to don’t” list. I don’t have a housekeeper and I don’t keep an exceptionally clean home. I don’t do big crafts with my kids. I don’t dress up for theme parties or plan elaborate birthday parties. My husband and I are not in a season of life for home renovations and DIY projects. I don’t get together with girlfriends very much unless it’s a playdate with our kids. And I don’t talk on the phone with family or friends.
This is one time to practice either/or instead of both/and. Yes, I can be both a mom and a professional. Both present and attentive to my family and driven and focused at work.
But when it comes to the tasks on my “to do” list, I have to choose either/or.
I know that in order to invest my time, energy, and passion into my deepest values, I have to say no to some things that other people love to do.
I am creating margin in my life by choosing what to spend my time on.
And those tasks I don’t value end up on my “to don’t” list.1
Recently, I had to make some hard decisions about my values and how I spend my time. It looked like recording the audiobook for my book Recovering from Purity Culture might end up on my “to don’t” list. The recording studio is in Nashville (2.5 hours away from me), they wanted four weekdays for recording, and that means missing almost a whole week of my work with clients and my family responsibilities.
Still, being able to record my audiobook felt like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Because my book is so personal and the topic is sensitive, I knew it would be meaningful to me (and to my readers) to be able to put my own voice to my works.
While I knew I could make the proposed recording schedule work, and my husband was on board, I knew this wouldn’t be honoring my values. Being present for my family is one of my highest values. My daughter starts kindergarten this August (tears!) and I knew there was no way I was going to miss her first days of school. Being available and loyal to my clients is another one of my highest values, as well as providing for my family with the income I earn. I knew missing multiple workdays meant affecting my clients’ care, as well as unbudgeted, unpaid time off from work.
Fortunately, I was able to negotiate with the audiobook producers and worked out an arrangement that works better for my family and my work. This meant some hard choices (I will be making two trips to Nashville; not the most convenient) and some hard no’s (I said no to several of their proposed dates that conflicted with family plans), but I am proud of myself for sticking to my values, communicating my boundaries, and coming to a decision that honors both my family and work priorities as well as being able to voice my words to my readers.
By not doing it all, I reserve the best of my heart, time, and love for the things I value most: my work with my clients, my writing, my well-being and personal growth, and my family. And I don’t feel guilty about the rest.
We cannot do it all. There is finite time in the day and energy to accomplish everything we want to do. The only way to focus on my top priorities are to know what I am not going to spend my finite time and energy on. In other words, what am I willing to not do in order to do the things I believe in?
Middle Path Practice
In Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way, author
quotes her mentor saying “It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about.” The result is two lists Shauna creates: “what I do do” and “what I don’t do”.Make two lists: a “to do” list and a “to don’t” list. Your “to do” list should have the roles, activities, involvements, and priorities that matter most to you in life. It should reflect your values. Your “to don’t” list will include what you don’t value or prioritize as much.
Our lists will differ because we all have different values and ways we express those values in our lives. What is important is that we are clear on our values and clear about what we won’t do in order to make space for our highest priorities.
Similarly, you might find that your lists change over seasons of your life. I know mine have significantly changed from when I was single and in school…to working…to married…to being a mom…to now owning my own business and working in multiple roles.
The important thing is that you get clarity about your priorities and make room in your life for what you value.
By being either/or and making choices when it comes to what you don’t do, you will be able to create margin in your life to invest in what you do do.
Let me know in the comments: What is on your “to don’t” list? How could this list guide you and give you permission to say no? How does practicing either/or when it comes to your schedule free you up to focus on your values?
Latest Posts:
Abstinence Is a Value, Not Education: Both a values-congruent sexual ethic AND comprehensive sex education.
What Bridgerton Reveals About Purity Culture: When 19th century England feels a lot like Millennial youth group culture.
The Both/And of Identity: When you don't fully belong in either group.
Walking the Middle Path: Finding both/and in a faith and culture of black and white.
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Parts of this essay came from Dr. Camden Morgante, “To Do and To Don’t: Creating Margin In Your Life By Knowing What You Don’t Do”, October 23, 2020, https://drcamden.com/2020/10/23/to-do-and-to-dont-creating-margin-in-your-life-by-knowing-what-you-dont-do/
Oh good for you!! I'm so glad you were able to find a way to make it work, because I know recording your audiobook is really important for you. AND you stuck to your boundaries and values. That is awesome. I am definitely navigating a season of making hard choices about what I will/won't do as well. It's so hard for me as a 9 and a positivity type because I really want to do it all and I believe I *could* do it all if only I were strong enough... and that leads me to feeling like a failure when I can't do it all, instead of realizing that it is impossible for ANYONE to do it all. I'm trying to be more okay with that and not hold myself to ridiculous standards.
It is bizarre how much people expect women to “do it all”. There is such a judgmental quality to the pressure we put on women.