June/ The Both/And of Identity

When you don't fully belong in either group

Walking the middle path means embracing both/and instead of either/or. And for many of us who feel like we don’t fully belong in clear boxes or categories of identity, walking the middle path can help us avoid contorting ourselves to try to fit either/or.

What happens when you don’t fully belong in either group? Or when belong in two, usually polarized groups?

I call this the dialectics of your identity. Parts of yourself or your beliefs and values that may seem incongruent, but you embrace both and find the beautiful integration of the two parts.

For me, I am both a Christian and a feminist.

Both a mom and a professional.

Both conservative in some ways and progressive in others.

Practicing both acceptance and change in my faith journey.

Striving for both grace and truth in my work and in my writing.

A Middle Path Practice

Here’s a Middle Path Practice for noticing your dialectics of identity.

Write down some of your titles and identities. Examples could include relational roles (parent, son or daughter, sibling, spouse, friend), professional roles (teacher, stay-at-home-mom, accountant, writer, student), and social identities (white, Christian, exvangelical, Democrat, gender, etc.).

Look for two that seem incongruent to each other. Draw a Venn diagram, with each circle labeled with the identity. Inside each circle, write some of the characteristics, traits, or tasks of that identity. In the overlapping part of the circles, write those that are in common.

A Venn diagram for your visual

For example, I’m a mom and a professional. Our culture tells us that when we have children, we have to choose between being a mom or being a professional. It's not possible to do both, accordingly to #momlife. If you try to do both, you will constantly feel guilty. Either your work or your children (or both) will suffer.

Unfortunately, as a recent graduation speech reveals, some people still think being a homemaker is women’s ONLY vocation.

But what if we find the both/and between these two seemingly incompatible identities?

In the mom circle, I write down the characteristics of playful, nurturing, responsive, attuned, comforting, responsible, and loving. In the professional one, as a psychologist, I list dedicated, innovative, empathic, intellectual, good listener, and leader. In the middle part, several qualities overlap, including responsible, good listener, dedicated, and leader.

This exercise is literally a both/and: both my identity as a mom and my identity as a professional involve many of the same traits. Mother and professional are not mutually exclusive identities.

I bring my profession to my mothering in the way I teach and guide my children, in my knowledge of child development and emotional intelligence. My psychologist self is fully present in the ways I soothe them when they are upset and validate their big feelings during tantrums.

And I bring my mothering to my work in the compassion I have for my therapy clients—in my care for their emotional health and the ways I validate (and teach them how to validate) their pain.

Me with my kids, 2023

So instead of seeing these identities as incongruent, I feel empowered as both a mom and a professional. Working makes me a better mom. And being a mom makes me a better worker¹.

For your dialectical identities, embracing both can help buffer guilt or dissonance you feel in both roles.

By seeing the both/and, these identities no longer feel in conflict, rubbing and chafing against each other. Instead of the incongruencies, now we can see the beautiful integration of our identities.

How would dialectics change the way you think about yourself and your own belonging? How would embracing “both/and” instead of “either/or” free you to walk the middle path instead of staying in a box?

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Favorites

• Reading: Safe Church by Dr. Andrew Bauman is worth the pre-order! I got a VERY early copy as an endorser and was honored to write one. I’ll take a break from reading Introduction to Internal Family Systems to enjoy several fiction books (starting with Emily Henry’s Funny Story) while I’m on vacation! I couldn’t wait to order Matrescence by Lucy Jones after listening to her on Jen Hatmaker’s podcast.

• To-be-read: So many writer friends and writers I admire have recently come out with new books or have books ready to pre-order! On my TBR list is The Understory by

  Lore Wilbert
  , Othered by
  Jenai Auman
  , Live Slowly by Jodi H. Grubbs, Hungry Authors by
  Ariel Curry
  and Liz Morrow, and Even After Everything by
  Stephanie Duncan Smith
  .

• Listening: Writing to this Taylor Swift instrumental playlist on Spotify. Podcasts listens include The Best of You with Dr. Alison Cook, Calling Home on toxic family of origin relationships, and Forgiveness After Trauma on Faith & Feminism.

• Watching: I finished One Day on Netflix and loved the Emma character more than the Anne Hathaway movie version or the book. I can’t wait for the next release of Bridgerton (coming soon: a newsletter on the similarities between the show and purity culture!). And my husband and I are watching Top Chef.

• Following: I think many in my community will relate to

  STRONGWILLED
  , Krispin and D.L. Mayfield’s project on Religious Authoritarian Parenting.

• Loving: The end of May was a special week for my family. My parents celebrated their 40th anniversary, my husband and I had our eight anniversary, and my sister got married that weekend! My family enjoyed a relaxing beach vacation afterwards.

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Latest Posts:

• Walking the Middle Path: Finding both/and in a faith and culture of black and white.

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1. This may not be the case for all women, and I support all women choosing the path that is best for them. I also acknowledge that many women do not have a choice to work, to stay home, or to be a mother, and I acknowledge I hold some privilege in these roles.