How to Have an Egalitarian Engagement + Wedding
A Mini-Series on Egalitarian Relationships
Maybe like me, you’ve cringed at a few wedding traditions. There’s the practice of a father “giving away” his daughter. There are the wedding vows in which the bride promises to “submit to and obey” her husband. Then, there’s the announcement of couples as Mr. and Mrs. [insert just the husband’s full name].
So, how can a couple establish an egalitarian marriage right from the start?
Welcome back to our Mini-Series on Egalitarian Relationships. Here is the plan for this month’s content:
February 7: Navigating Dating and Singleness
February 14: 10 Questions to Ask When You’re Dating
February 21: How to Have an Egalitarian Engagement + Wedding
February 23 at 7:30pm EST: Live workshop and Q&A for paid subscribers
Today’s topic is how to have an egalitarian engagement and wedding. Using my own experience as well as other ideas, I’d like to offer some practical suggestions for establishing an egalitarian marriage—before and after the “I do’s.”
This was the article I was looking for almost ten years ago when planning my wedding!1
Engagement
An equal partnership begins with having open conversations during the dating period. Couples should make sure they’re on the same page when it comes to how they will live out gender equality in their relationship. Last week’s post offered 10 Questions to Ask When Dating, including questions about gender roles.
Many engagements are initiated and planned by men only. But for my husband and I, engagement was the natural progression of many mutual conversations about our relationship and life plans. We took that step toward marriage together, even shopping for our rings and picking them out together.
Similarly, women are usually the ones who take the lead in wedding planning. I admit we followed that tendency, as I am the more opinionated one (no surprises there!). But my husband was still involved in meetings, offering opinions, and making decisions about what was important for him. Our wedding was definitely not a “stand where she tells you to stand, where what she tells you to wear, do what she tells you to do” kind of situation. Both partners can be active participants in shaping that day.
The Wedding
Weddings are usually steeped in patriarchal traditions. Egalitarians can re-think some of these, making the day their own. Here are some ideas to add a spirit of equality and partnership to your wedding day.
Find an officiant who shares, or at least respects, your egalitarian values. Provide direction on wording or traditions that are important for you to keep and those you want to exclude. For example, we provided our officiants a list of terms not to say in our wedding ceremony (like obey, submit, leader, and “head”) and a list of other words and values we did want to include (commitment, grace, partnership).
Consider changing the wording of traditional wedding vows. Instead of the traditional “Who gives this woman?”, our pastor asked: “Who comes to bless this marriage?” Then, both of my parents responded, “We do.” We used the charge, “You may now seal your vows with a kiss,” instead of “You may now kiss the bride.” We were introduced as “Mr. and Dr.” since my husband is just as proud of my degree as I am!
Explore tweaks to traditions to personalize your ceremony. I love that some couples decide to walk down the aisle together, or each with their own parents. Many have mixed-sex bridal parties (male and female friends on both sides). Some couples, especially more established ones, may pay for the wedding themselves or have both families contribute. Some do a join bachelor-bachelorette party, or a join wedding shower (we did). You may forgo the garter and bouquet toss (we did this too). Get creative and re-write the rules!
“Well, who is in charge here?
We are.
Yes, but if push comes to shove, who is the leader?
We are.
But then who is the spiritual head of your home?
Only Jesus. Only ever our Jesus.”
—Sarah Bessey, Jesus Feminist
What are your ideas for egalitarian engagements and weddings? What patriarchal wedding tradition makes you cringe the most?
Don’t forget paid subscribers can join me this Sunday, February 23 at 7:30pm EST for a live workshop and Q&A on Egalitarian Relationships.
Here is what we will cover in our live meeting:
Singleness and ambiguous grief
Mind-Body skills for coping with prolonged singleness
How to date (when you’re no longer kissing dating good-bye)
Dating while deconstructing
Talking about sex when you’re dating/considering marriage
Ask Me Anything and group discussion
You can subscribe for $5 per month or $50 for the year. You get access to the current Mini-Series on Egalitarian Relationships, past paid posts like the Surviving Purity Culture Mini-Series, and quarterly live meetings. You can cancel any time (although I hope you love it!). And if you can’t afford a subscription, I’m happy to extend it to you for free. Just email or message me!