Abstinence Is a Value, Not Education
Both a values-congruent sexual ethic AND comprehensive sex education.
“Abstinence is a value, not an education.”
My friend, Hanna Ward of Say.What podcast, said this and I couldn’t agree more.
Sexual abstinence before marriage and sexual faithfulness in marriage are values and comprise a traditional Christian sexual ethic.
But emphasizing abstinence only is not an education.
And only teaching abstinence to the exclusion of other facets of sex ed cripples people in their sexual development.
What Happens When We’re Not Educated
I was brought up in an evangelical denomination that believed drinking alcohol was a sin. The Christian college I attended required students to sign a “Community Covenant” that stated, among other behaviors, we would abstain from premarital sex and from any consumption of alcohol, even when we were 21. I also dated someone in college who strongly held to this belief. It was demanded understood that I agree to not drink even when I was of age.
Then we broke up. Then I turned 21. Then I graduated from said college. And I made the decision to have a drink.
But I found I knew nothing about alcohol. I followed suit with most young 21-year-old females and ordered fruity, colorful mixed drinks like daiquiris and what turned out to be my favorite, a “flirtini”.
The summer before I went off to grad school, I worked as a restaurant server (a job, along with retail, that I recommend everyone do at some point in their lives). I found I was ignorant about my patrons’ orders. When they said a “Yeungling” was that a cocktail? What was the difference between a “dirty” and a regular martini? And how do you open a wine bottle, bless my heart.
Fortunately I was in a city that was the church denominational headquarters, so not many people ordered alcohol. However, my work as a server suffered as a result of my ignorance. My finest moment involved a table of twelve Baby Boomers, clearly not having it with the church’s imbibing restrictions, and I botched every one of their orders. Finally a manager came over and had to re-make all their drinks. (I also broke the cork in a bottle of wine as I tried to open it in front of the table. Again, bless my heart.)
The decision to drink alcohol or not is multifaceted, involving an individual’s morals, convictions, health, mental health, family history, and many other factors. This is not a pro-alcohol essay; I support everyone’s right to make a decision about alcohol that is best for them and have no judgments either way.
My point is that by not providing me with information and basic education about alcohol, I was ignorant of the standard tasks of an entry-level job. Whether I chose to drink or not, alcohol is a part of our culture and I needed to be familiar with the differences between a Pinot Noir and a Pinot Grigio. And I didn’t have all the information with which to make my own values-informed decision about if I wanted to consume alcohol or not.
The Importance of Sex Education
Everyone, male or female, married or single, celibate or sexually active, deserves a comprehensive sex education about their bodies, basic anatomy, sexual functioning, birth control and reproduction, and sexual health. Sexuality is part and parcel of our identity as embodied beings, therefore we all deserve to be equipped with this information.
Arming yourself with the sex education you never received is a vital part of healing from purity culture and reclaiming your sexuality.
When we withhold sex education from young people as a way to coerce or manipulate them into abstinence, we rob them of valuable knowledge about their bodies and cripple their ability to make choices for themselves.
Sex education should include educating people about how to make values-informed choices. It should address developing a values-congruent sexual ethic, a process I outline in my forthcoming book, Recovering from Purity Culture.
We can both hold a sexual ethic of abstinence (or support others’ choice of abstinence) and support comprehensive and holistic sex education.
It doesn’t have to be either/or.
From the chapter on “Reconstructing Your Sexual Ethic” in my book:
I still hold to an ethic of premarital sexual abstinence. But the belief itself is not what makes something purity culture. It is the myths, the false promises, and the if-then formulas that coerce abstinence out of shame and fear. When an ethic of abstinence is born out of your own values with careful consideration of theology, then it is not purity culture.
It is the sexual ethic you have reconstructed for yourself.
Reconstructing Your Sexual Ethic
Through providing ourselves (and our kids) with sex education, we can start the process of reconstructing our sexual ethic for ourselves. We can discern what our values and beliefs are, with careful consideration of theology.
As I take readers through this process of reconstructing their sexual ethic in my book, my hope was that it would be a trusted guide for how to figure out their beliefs without prescribing what to believe.
Because we already know how to take what authors, pastors, parents, or experts say is true and adopt them for our own sexual ethic. Purity culture and fundamentalism taught us how to do that, and we got very good at it.
But we need to do the work of thinking through our own personal sexual ethic, one that is truly authentic and meaningful. One that is congruent with our values and theology. And one that we can defend with more than a trite “because the Bible says so.”
Do you believe in comprehensive sex education? How is abstinence a value and not an education? Did a lack of sex education affect you? Please leave a comment and join the discussion!
Resources for Sex Education
Sex Ed 101: Uncovering the Most Common Sex Myths, my online seminar that dispels seven of the most common sex myths about orgasm, frequency, sex drive and more. Then I teach you the truth about healthy sexual functioning so you can experience freedom and pleasure with your spouse!
My online seminar on What NOT to Say teaches you how to talk to your kids about sex and bodies shame-free. You’ll come away with guidelines for having “sex talks” with your young children (infant through elementary school).
Shameless Parenting by Dr. Tina Schermer Sellers
Sheila Wray Gregoire’s books The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex and The Good Guy’s Guide for adults, and She Deserves Better for how to teach your daughter
A Celebration of Sex by Dr. Doug Rosenau, the late Christian sex therapist and professor. This is the text I used in my own graduate Sexuality course and when I taught undergraduate Psychology of Human Sexuality. I also recommend it to or use exercises with a lot of my sex therapy and coaching clients.
The Gift of Sex and Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start by Cliff & Joyce Penner. A mental health professional and a nurse, the Penners are trusted resources in the Christian sexuality field.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. for a sex researcher and educator's comprehensive lesson on the science of female sexuality.
If you’re interested in walking through this process of reconstructing your sexual ethic, consider pre-ordering my book, Recovering from Purity Culture.
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My story and those of many women I love would have been completely different if we had been given any kind of sex education. Abuse is easy for a perpetrator who recognizes and exploits naïveté - but we and our daughters need not be defenseless. Thank you for your work, it is desperately needed.
You are doing such important work and I applaud you for taking this on.