Making Decisions in an Egalitarian Marriage

A Mini-Series on Egalitarian Relationships

How do you make decisions in an egalitarian marriage in which neither of you holds the “trump card”?

Today’s Substack explores the question of how to make decisions in an egalitarian marriage¹. One argument against egalitarianism is that you need a leader in a marriage who makes the decisions. Complementarians will claim that when there’s disagreement over a significant decision or topic in their marriage, you need a “trump card.” And this means that when “push comes to shove,” the husband’s opinion trumps the wife’s.

Instead, let’s explore what mutual submission and equal decision-making look like in an egalitarian marriage².

But first—here is the plan for this month’s content:

• March 7: Making Decisions in an Egalitarian Marriage

• March 14: Introduction to our book club featuring The Marriage You Want³ by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire

• March 28: Book club Chapters 1 & 2 (paid subscribers only)

Our Spring book club selection, The Marriage You Want by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire, releases on Tuesday, March 11! You have just a few more days to pre-order the book and get it on release day. Head to Amazon or Baker Books (where it’s 40% off and free shipping!) to order it now!

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The Marriage Trump Card

Many complementarians claim you need someone to hold the marriage trump card and be the final decision-maker “when push comes to shove”. This phrase has never set right for me. It provokes images of domestic violence, coercion, and manipulation. I picture two adversaries—hardly the mutual teamwork I believe God calls us to in marriage.

Complementarians say it isn’t practical or even possible to make decisions mutually. They argue that someone must be the leader in the marriage to break a decision deadlock. This idea comes from a narrow interpretation and application of Ephesians 5’s command for the husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church⁴. Instead of seeing this verse as an instruction to husbands to yield their own opinions and preferences to serve their spouses, it’s used to prop up the “husband trump card.”

A “husband trump card” can be an excuse to avoid the important relational work of communicating with each other, compromising, and resolving conflict together. It can also foster a dangerous power imbalance in marriages, making husbands and wives opponents instead of partners. But for egalitarian couples, the most important thing isn’t who leads and who submits, it’s that we make decisions together and those decisions benefit both partners and thus the relationship.

But how do you do that?

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Making Decisions Together

My husband and I have been married for almost nine years and we’ve almost always been able to come to a mutual decision when we disagree. And it’s encouraging to hear couples who are much further along than my husband and I say they have never arrived at this “push comes to shove” moment. Sheila and Keith Gregoire, who have been married 33 years, claim they have never needed a tie-breaker. In fact, their research in The Marriage You Want found that 78.9% of evangelical couples function without a tie-breaker.

It is possible to have a marriage without a marriage trump card. Here are some ways egalitarian couples practice mutual decision-making:

• Discuss the problem, ask questions, and seek to understand each other’s points of view

• Brainstorm solutions together; weigh the pros and cons of each option

• Seek more information and consult the research or experts, if applicable

• Ask trusted mentors, family, or friends for their counsel

• Pray together and separately

• Take a break from the problem then return to it later, if possible

• Validate and show respect for the other’s knowledge and positions, even if they disagree

• Get to the values behind each other’s positions. What values does this choice reflect? What value does the partner’s choice reflect? This often allows them to see greater areas of compromise.

What about times when you do defer or yield to your partner’s preference⁵? In The Marriage You Want, the Gregoires also give some advice about how to defer for a reason, not just because the husband has the final say. Some examples:

• Defer to the person who will be most affected by the outcome

• Defer to the person who has the most knowledge about the issue

• A technique I learned for couples therapy: Defer to the person who feels the most strongly about it. Each of you rates how strongly you feel about an issue, from 0= I couldn’t care less to 10= Over my dead body. Then go with the decision of the partner who rates higher.

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I hope some of these strategies help you and give you hope and confidence that you can function in a marriage without a trump card.

How do you and your partner make decisions together? What strategies help you practice mutuality?

See you next week as we begin our book club for The Marriage You Want!

And for full access to the book club, including a live book club discussion, consider subscribing at the paid level for $5 per month or $50 for the year!

Warmly, Dr. Camden

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1. The term complementarian refers to the belief that men and women are equal in value but have different roles; egalitarians believe women are equal in value and role. I identify as egalitarian and this is the perspective my writing comes from. To learn more about complementarianism, see the Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. To learn more about egalitarianism, see Christians for Biblical Equality.

2. Portions of this essay were adapted from Camden Morgante, “Forget the Marriage Trump Card: Making Decisions Together, Christians for Biblical Equality, June 25, 2019, https://drcamden.com/2019/06/27/forget-the-marriage-trump-card-making-decisions-together/

3. Amazon affiliate links used

4. See theologian Marg Mowczko for ample resources on the interpretation of Ephesians 5: https://margmowczko.com/category/equality-and-gender-issues/ephesians-5/

5. Because of its negative connotations and misappropriations, I prefer these terms over submission or sacrifice.