How to Make the Fair Play System Work for You
Sharing responsibilities and the mental load
Is the mental load causing your marriage, mental health, and intimacy to suffer?
Last week we talked about the importance of household responsibilities in marital satisfaction. In our book club selection, The Marriage You Want, Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire found that “lack of teamwork is the primary reason why people’s marital satisfaction goes down over time”.
Today we’ll talk about how to practically share responsibilities and the mental load using the Fair Play system, developed by Eve Rodsky.
Today’s post is free for everyone! If you want to join our book club, here is this month’s schedule for our reading and Substack content:
May 2: Making the Fair Play system work
May 9: Book club on Emotional Connection: Chapters 7 & 8 (paid subscribers)
May 18 at 7:30pm EST: Live book club meeting (paid)
May 19: Live meeting replay, conclusion and discussion (paid)
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What is the Mental Load?
According to Eve Rodsky, author of Fair Play, “women disproportionately carry the mental load of the family, the invisible work of conception and planning that goes into a task.” These tasks are often overlooked because they don’t involve physical, manual labor or because the work is not always observable.
Mental load, emotional work, invisible labor—these all describe the tasks that typically fall to women. Consider the definitions of each, according to Fair Play:
Mental load: the never-ending mental to-do list for family tasks
Emotional labor: maintaining relationships and managing emotions
Invisible work: behind-the-scenes tasks that keep a home and family running smoothly
In The Marriage You Want, Sheila and Keith offer an example of the mental load of taking a family day trip to the beach. I found myself chuckling at their example because of how tedious and also real life it was! Here’s what this looked like for me, using the recent Easter weekend as an example:
Mental load: I need to communicate with grandparents what the kids want for their Easter basket. I want to buy that book for them when it goes on sale. We were invited to a birthday party on Good Friday, but I need to RSVP no since we’ll be at church service. Where should we go to dinner beforehand and do I need to make a reservation? The kids are out of school and childcare on Good Friday; what should I do with them? For Easter, do I need to make a dish to bring to the in-laws? What kind of Lenten activities or devotionals do I want to do with the kids? [I use
’s curriculum.]Emotional labor: How can we spend time with both sets of grandparents for Easter? Let’s remember to Facetime my sister and aunt and grandmother. How will the kids feel if one has more in their Easter basket? How much candy can my little one have before a meltdown? [Managing said meltdown when it happens.] Don’t forget to text my aunt a thank-you for the Easter gifts!
Invisible work: making the dinner reservation; texting my friend and arranging Good Friday plans with them; finding the kids’ Easter baskets and eggs; filling said eggs; researching and making a list of Easter egg hunts and events in town; scheduling in those events along with church and family activities; deciding on the dessert to bring to my in-laws, purchasing the items, and remembering to bring them (my husband remembered this one!); buying and filling the kids’ Easter basket with gifts; researching, purchasing, printing and then doing Lent devotionals with my kids.
Are you tired yet? Maybe you relate—it takes a lot of behind-the-scenes work to make a house and family run. And things run more smoothly when we can share that load with our spouse. Enter Fair Play.
Fair Play
There’s a reason Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play system has spawned two books (a Reese’s Book Club pick), a set of cards, a documentary, and a revolution. It is truly life-changing. I read the book back in 2018, talked through the cards with my husband, and we still loosely follow the rules. Although we are not able to stick to it perfectly, I have seen the benefits in my marriage from using the system!
If you’re not familiar with what it is, check out the website and watch the two-minute video that gives you the context.
Here is the Fair Play system in a nutshell:
There are four rules: all time is created equal; reclaim your right to be interesting; start where you are now; establish your values and standards.
You have a deck of cards with a possible 100 tasks in five suits: home, out, caregiving, magic, and wild. Eve recommends you “simplify your lives by playing only the cards that hold value to you and your family,” so you may end up with less than 100. Some cards are “daily grind” ones—tasks that are done daily like making meals, watching kids, dishes, transporting kids, and pets. Two cards I love she included are the Magical Beings (Tooth Fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.) and Holiday Cards. I love that these often overlooked or undervalued tasks are given cards!
When you take charge of a task, take full ownership of it. You do the Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE) of the task. For example, my husband holds the laundry card in our house. That means he notices when it’s laundry day (C), plans when he will do it in his day, knows things like what clothes can’t go in the dryer (P), gathers the clothes, washes them, dries them, folds them, and puts them away (E). I do not touch our laundry. I cannot tell you how freeing it is to not have to put any thought into this one task.
Establish a Minimum Standard of Care (MSC). That means both partners agree on what “taking out the garbage” means, how often it gets done, and to what standard. Confession: my husband and I struggle with this step! It has caused many arguments, so it’s a “let it go” for me.
You both get to hold “the happiness trio”: self-care, friendships, and unicorn space. These three cards are non-negotiables because both partners deserve to have time for friends, self-care, and hobbies that make them come alive.
Set a check-in day and time. Re-deal each week, especially for daily grind cards.
Don’t split a task up (one of you does C-P and the other does E) or double-up on tasks (both of you doing one card together). I admit my husband and I do not follow this step! It does make things more complicated what I plan our meals and grocery shop (C-P) but he does most of the cooking (E), but that’s just how our schedules and life work out right now!
The goal is to have a more equal division of labor so resentment doesn’t take over, both partners’ time is valued equally, and your marriage doesn’t suffer.
Resources
Curious and want to learn more about the Fair Play system or the mental load? Here are some resources I recommend:
Fair Play, the deck of cards, and the documentary (fun fact: my husband and I were interviewed by Eve for consideration for casting in the documentary! We didn’t make the cast, but Eve and I follow each other on IG and have stayed in touch!)
A Better Share by Dr. Morgan Cutlip. I haven’t read this yet, but follow her on IG.
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. Funny name, but it focuses on the inequal divide that intensifies after kids and what to do about it.
All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers, and the Myth of Equal Partnership. This one is on my TBR list, but it’s a more journalistic and research-based take on the issue.
I hope I’ve piqued your interest in Fair Play or at least inspired a conversation between you and your spouse about how to share the load more evenly.
What do you think of the Fair Play system? How do you divide household responsibilities in your family?
See you next week as we cover The Marriage You Want, Chapters 7 & 8 on friendship and passion!
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Warmly, Dr. Camden
Wow! Where was this system 20 years ago when I really needed it? Thanks for sharing!! Seems like it could do wonders for many marriages, so I'll share it, too!
12 counselors and coaches. No kids. Last Christian counselors said that the only thing that matters is not getting a divorce. God celebrates a sexless marriage. Gives you more time to pray.